Behind The Mask
I wonder when it was.. that I started falling. :\
Here I am again, adjusting my own emotions for the benefit of everyone. It hurts. I wonder, why is it that no one actually see the truth behind these fake laughs and smiles? Why is it so unusual for me to suddenly want to avoid everyone in the world and just sit at the corner alone. Why doesn’t anyone understand if I say “I want to be alone”? What part of that freakin’ sentence don’t they understand? Why do I always have to show a smile even with a broken heart? Why do I have to laugh even with a ruined day? The whole world. It’s just… so unfair. All my problems just keep on piling up.
What the hell is this feeling? I can’t stop thinking of you. Ever since I met you, I felt the urge to focus on everything that I do, for me to get your attention. I know, for you, I may be just a nobody. But you know what, for me, you are somebody. I’ve had crushes before, but I’ve never acted like this. I wanted to know more about you, but I can’t find the courage to. You’re so near yet so far. I want to talk to you, but I can’t. If ever we did had a conversation, it won’t last long.
In one of our classes where we had a seat work, you had the extra papers, and so you walked along the center to return those papers to our professor. As soon as I smell your fragrance, it felt as if my level of intelligence grew. I was able to answer the seat work in a fast pace, without any erasures. When we got the results for that seat work, I had a perfect score.
I wonder, why is it that I want to pull my grades up, even those subjects that we are not together? I just want to improve myself in everything that I do because I want you to notice me.
My friends say that I am scary. Scary because I know your schedule - without anyone telling me about it. Scary because I already know about your everyday life. You may not know it but I always observe you, and the rooms that you enter. I know your break time and I know where you are at a specific time. I wait for you until your classes end, even if I was dismissed 2 hours earlier than you, just because I wanted to see you off.
I never felt like this before. Every time you talked to me, I literally can’t see anything else but you. I can hear nothing else but your voice and my loud heart beat. It’s scary. It’s scary that I actually feel wonderful when I see you even from afar. I’m scared that this feeling might grow more than it already is. Oh my God! I must be turning into a freak. I mean, this can’t be normal! I can’t bear it anymore! I want this feeling to go away! But I can’t make it.
What is it that I see in you? I mean, yeah, you do have your good points. In fact, lots of ‘em. But I wonder why. Why is it that even though I already saw a lot of your offending sides.. why is it that I feel like my feeling just grew stronger by seeing your side that’s a total turn-off? There was a time when you asked me who my crush is, I didn’t answer. But, you know, my head is shouting “IT’S YOU, IDIOT!”
I know your name, your age, your birthday, where you live, where you came from, your hobbies, your schedule, your attitude. I want to know more. I want to know more about you.
I know, this feeling will never reach you. Even if it did, it would probably just destroy this thing called ‘friendship’. It’s not possible. There’s no way you could ever return this feelings of mine. There’s no way you’d look at me the same way that I do to you. You’ll probably think it’s weird or disgusting. I mean, it’s awkward for someone like me, who rarely talks to you, to actually have feelings for you, right?
This was the first time I ever told my brother about what I am feeling for a certain someone. My brother, even my high school buddies, just let me continue liking you because I became inspired for the very first time in my life. It’s awkward. I never tell my brother that I have a crush on someone, but this is an exception. I wanted to let the whole world know about your existence.
I don’t know if the day will come when you’ll know about this. I don’t even know if you’ll be able to search this post of mine. And if you do, you probably won’t know that I am talking about you.
If, someday, you’ll find out from me or from other people about this feelings of mine, please.. do not hate me? For now, can you let me have you as an inspiration?
♥ xxx ♥
